So it's been a while since I've updated my journal. Gee, that's a real surprise! But right now I have nothing better to do.

So I'm just going to talk about a few things that have been on my mind lately even though no one is going to read this! It's a nice delusion for me to cling to - I have spoken openly about something that has been plaguing my thought.

It's pretty much just about me and my boyfriend. Yes, I can see you now rolling your eyes. "WHY! is this chick going to blurb to me about her stupid romantic escapades?" I'm not saying you're wrong. >_> But if you don't want to read it, look away. But like I said, this is an enjoyable delusion.

Anyway, we haven't been dating that long, but I've known him for a while, over a year. He is in the Phi Kappa Sigma national fraternity. He is the 'brother' of my ex-boyfriend as well. This I have gotten over, despite the fact that my ex and I had actually fallen for each other. That's another story... Anyway, I am happy with my boyfriend. He makes me... so happy. Yes, it's so corny, but it is also so true. We are very compatible. People tell us all the time that we are so cute and they always say something like 'awww' when we are just talking to each other while at a table full of friends. He is the equivalent of a perfect guy. He's sweet and considerate. He gives me intellectual stimulation, which is what my last relationship was lacking. He offers moral support. He helps me study and get through the semester. Those are just the emotional aspects! He is willing to learn exactly how to please me physically. He URGES me to tell him what he's doing wrong so he can fix it. He is selfless in the aspect that he doesn't care that much about how he feels in the end. His only goal is to make me feel good. He is an all-around fantastic guy!

So why am I so hesitant to get closer to him? It's only been over a month, but I can see already where this is going. It's going toward serious relationship, and I am definitely not the type of person to BE in a serious relationship - not to mention that this is only my third official boyfriend. I enjoy being single. It's not that I couldn't get a date. As a matter of fact, I could. It was just me disregarding the yearning for something more than just a nice make-out and the cracking of crude, sexual jokes in a form of flirting. The idea of giving my heart to someone, my ultimate trust, is terrifying. I've had my trust broken too often. I've had things that I told in confidence thrown back at me as a way to win a fight. These are no simple things either - embarrassing stories about when I was in third grade. No, these are serious issues - things about my family, and when my family is involved, I can get very irritable. I am too passionate about the aspect of family to have something like that stepped on in disregard and conceit.

So my hesitation, while perhaps well out-dated, is solid and justifiable.

I have become more irritable around my boyfriend, and this is exactly what happened in my last one. Within over 3 months, we had fallen for each other, and instead of embracing that, I became distant and disagreeable. I was blunt and matter-of-fact. I picked fights even though we never argued about anything. It wasn't working, and I was the sole reason why.

When I am with my boyfriend, I have no complaints. When I am not with him, I still have no complaints. However, I find myself disliking the relationship. I find myself cringing at the idea of it. But when he asks if I want to see him, I am more than happy to oblige! Yesterday, I missed him after not seeing him for only a day. My reaction to that realization? "Ew..." There's definitely something wrong with that.

Now it is fall break (yes, I DO have a fall break - five days) and I won't be seeing him at all. I know this is a good thing, especially since we've been spending SO much time with each other lately. I am a very independent person, too. I like spending time by myself. I am the kind of person who needs a lot of 'me' time. Me time doesn't have to be me doing anything productive. As a matter of fact, me time often entails me just wasting time, lounging around, being lazy, playing games, reading - but I love that. I need that in my life. I had noticed that I was becoming a bit more on edge with my boyfriend. So it's good that I will get this 'me' time.

However, I am still terrified. Relationships always mean overbearing emotions. They are stressful - even though I have yet to feel that way aside from me worrying about being stressed. I just... I find it hard to willingly allow myself to become attached to someone again. I've been hurt a lot, and not just by boyfriends. No, but by a whole mix of important people in my life. My father, my brother, my friends... those are people I should trust, right? Those are people I should never have to worry about being hurt by. I'm not just talking about disagreements or small little tiffs. I'm talking about issues of great importance - like my sanity! It's difficult to explain... I just don't want it to keep happening. I bet I know what you're thinking. "That's life. You gotta take what it gives you." Yeah, I know. But that doesn't mean I can't complain about it!